Musings of a martial artist
by misfire
Summary: One shot pov of our favorite martial artist. Take as an AU, no set pairings, but you can come to your own conclusion.


_**Take as AU. Musings from our favorite martial artist. Characters are not mine, story is. **_

_Have you ever wondered why? _

Yes, I know this is a question that is cliché for everyone. Everyone has similar thoughts and experiences. However similar, reactions vary.  
I'm working on no longer caring about the outcome of certain events and encounters. It isn't the easiest to rewire my brain to stop over analyzing and thinking about every little moment that I could have acted differently.

_Is there some underlying reason for these thoughts? Do I have some past life karma that enjoys biting me in the ass when I least expect it to do so?_

_If everything is a lesson to be learned, can I least get a study book so I know I'm on the right path?_

Perhaps there is truth in the saying that some of us were put on this world to give more love than we could ever hope to receive. I suppose that is my role in this game. Support.  
Don't get me wrong, my friends are my family, of that there is no question. I enjoy being able to sling drinks and make meals to enjoy. I'm no mother by any means, but I suppose those instincts come about when I wish to take care of those special to me.

_But I digress.  
_  
I attract or rather I'm attracted to completely unavailable men. My studies regarding martial arts and Zen teachings have taught me that we are merely mirrors for other people to see themselves more clearly. I'm not sure if when meeting me they see something and then the truth comes out. _Am I an uplifting source of light?_ Or do I simply reflect what someone needs to see.

I'm not a therapist, hell, I don't know how to classify any of these feelings that they can succinctly seem too. I am just myself. Someone that people open up to about the most random of things. This week has been in a different one for sure. Perhaps I'm in an alternate dimension and well, honestly, I don't have a clue.

The most recent occurrence has baffled me once again. Perhaps I did do something horrendously wrong with love in a past life, and this confusing bullshit is my current punishment. I don't find it fair that the me now gets to make amends for god only knows what in the past lives I've supposedly had_. Hey, if I've done something wrong, allow me to apologize or fix it somehow… but at least let me know what exactly it is that I had done wrong? Wishful thinking.  
_  
I meet a guy that I find attractive, very attractive. Sure, I guess I can say that I have crushes every so often, but are they really crushes or mild infatuations because I've been single for so very long that I do crave that which others seem to have in abundance_. Am I wanting it too much and for that reason pushing it away without even finding it in the first place?  
_  
I'm embarrassed if I got the signals completely crossed and mixed up. If it was me that came on to strong or acted like a fool where he was simply being friendly. Is my gut instinct out of commission? I had an inkling about there being someone else, but I chose to try and ignore it because well, I'm an idiot.

Yes, I know I need to not call myself that, I'm not an idiot at all. I'm _**HOPEFUL**_ dammit. And this time, again, I was hopeful that hey! Maybe this time would be different.

_**HAH!**_ Well shit, I fell into the same old pattern. Meet someone who seems interested but has someone else in their life as well. It's not always someone else, but it is always not me that is endgame for them. I swear there was chemistry, I think, I don't know anymore. Rose colored glasses and a blinded vision of hope. It's like an asteroid comes into my trajectory and rather than landing, ricochets off of me and back out into the unknown.

At least I have a gift. I may not see it coming all the time, but I can spot it going away! Or this time, whatever information my brain discovered through his rather cryptic and weird conversation makes so much more sense. He said, not to me, that he hadn't done things with this person yet. _**Flag One**_. But that said person also had a one-way ticket to somewhere across the country and had no idea if they were/are coming back. _**Flag Two**_. I kept that in my brain, and didn't want to allow my hopes to gather too much… emotional survival is key.

We laughed, and perhaps that's where I got friendly mixed up with possible mutual interest. The possibility that, holy shit, maybe this could grow into something. A series of messages back and forth the next day had me still recalling the possibility of someone else and to not get in over my head. Messages gleaned from him didn't seem to add any trepidation. I thought hey, a good looking and very interesting guy my age. Let's see where this could go.

Third day. No word from him. Knowing his lack of phone service coverage, I didn't think it was a big deal. But my instincts still called into question that he had someone else and I was clearly barking up the wrong tree. I thought to myself, if I'm meant to chat with him I shall. If I'm meant to see him I will.

Cue fourth and final day. A hug for a greeting. He smelled quite nice. I sat next to him after I finished my shift. While we didn't really converse as he was engaged in a very animated conversation next to him. It was nice to just sit. Yes, I can recall now that my brain still said, he's not interested there is someone else. I ignored it since my brain likes to make up scenarios that don't really exist and cause me to miss out on things due to simple misunderstandings and misconstrued information. It's fun, really. If eye rolling could be heard, mine would be quite loud.

I leave for a moment. He says to me his plans are up in the air. I say he knows how to find me if he wants to and he smiles and says yes, he does.

I come back to the location and think, bummer he's left when I couldn't see him outside where we had parted. Walked inside and there he was at the bar so I go and reach around him for a hug. Yes, I give many friends and acquaintances a similar hug so I hadn't thought any different, and it was a very nice hug. But he did smell good and the person next to him offered to move so I could take his place. He got me a drink and then left to go find a way to charge his phone. He comes back, I share my food with him as the fun started to take hold and I got onto a similar wavelength that he was on. A mutual acquaintance mentioned his personality and how nice he is, also that they were surprised it took us this long to meet each other. I mentioned this to him in jest.

He countered by saying gibberish of not being nice. _**Flag Three**_. He was nonsensical in much of his words. He shared that he takes care of someone's plants. _**Flag Four**_. Normally, not something I would think twice about, I have friends that take care of mine if I need to leave town for any length of time longer than they can handle. But, something about this clicked into gear and stayed.

Conversation bounced and I gleaned information through his words. He looked at me and said that my brain clearly picked up on something and that I was correct in my line of thinking._** Flag Five**_.

The words I was so hoping not to hear the most came tumbling out of his lips.

_"Yes, I have a girlfriend."  
_  
Boom. Mic Drop. Proverbial ice cracking and falling into the depths of a frozen body of water without so much as a life jacket.

And reality hits me. I was flirting, being overtly friendly, to someone else's partner. Thoughts screeched to a halt as he got up and went inside with a mumble of only god knows what since my brain was on information overload. I believe it was to get a drink and take off. I felt embarrassed, hell I still do, because I got the signals and the conversations mixed up. Rather than take things in a friendly only gesture, I thought that hey, maybe this time might be different_. Flag Six_. I walk inside to find him and simply apologize for making things uncomfortable and misreading the situation. I didn't much get the chance and he disappeared. Sure, I saw him a door up in another establishment, at the bar with a drink and annoyed with something on his phone.

I knew not to bother. Being on the level he was and the level I was, I simply located other people to try and get my mind off of what had just occurred. I sat next to some random person and just opened up about it in the shortest way possible, with the least information. A cliff notes version if you will. My brain warring with my heart saying that I didn't misunderstand or misread anything. There was flirtation going on with both parties. Who teasingly talks about what we did with someone else when you have someone already? The talk wasn't exactly in depth and it was merely teasing. However still, I felt that if I am in the wrong, I should and would apologize.

_So, I did._ The next morning via phone message. I know I'll never receive a response. I know that if I do see him in person, I won't act like this ever happened. He's an introverted loner. Proclaimed himself as such. Lives by his own ideals and under his own terms at the moment. One could say that I'm outgoing and open to people, but that's not entirely true, I need quite a bit of solitude to recharge my batteries

Basically, he's someone I'd really enjoy getting to know, but if he's got someone he cares for, and she for him than I think it's worth it for both of them to be together.

_I read recently that perhaps I'm desperate for affection?_ Not desperate exactly, but I've never had that true romantic connection. I know that for many that is something that is never found, and I understand that I'm probably in that group of people. I feel deeply, I cannot help that no matter how much I've tried. _Should this bother me as much as it does? No._ It's not him, he just popped into my life for a split second…shook shit up and popped back out. It is me. I know now that I'm not out of anyone's league at all. I'm not in anyone's league either. I'm me, myself, flaws and all. You have to take me or leave me, but I am constantly learning on how to accomplish this whole _**"life"**_ thing_. _

_Am I doomed to never feel any love more than platonic and familial?_ _Or is that really not a damnation but a gift?_

I have a lot of love to give, and I feel that I do try and give it. I don't have any ulterior motives or thoughts of using others for any type of gain.

I guess my issue is that I knew already that there'd be no chance this guy wouldn't be single. I had hope, but I knew. And to finally have it confirmed was good. I didn't mean to upset any balance, or maybe I was supposed to do just that. Perhaps he met me so he could fully realize how important the other person in his life is. I can't recall exactly what he meant when he said it, as he told me my brain added things to the conversation that were correct. He either said "we have plants together or we have plans together." I think I was meant to be more therapist than anything. Someone he could converse with and really figure out his true feelings.

If I could at least help him in some way, I'll take it as a win. I wish him luck, I offered my friendship and apologized for possibly mistaking anything and taking things in an uncomfortable direction. I know now I'll most likely never hear from him again, but that's alright. I hope he finds whatever it is he's looking for, and if he has it, I do hope that he cherishes it and she with him.

Sure, I could sit here and lament, wax poetic, all of that shit that you read about. I could say, _**"hey, it's his loss."**_ But that's not true. I had a little inkling of hope that maybe it could be my turn. Not picked last in gym glass. Not the wallflower that observes people in silence. It's okay that it isn't. Maybe someday it will happen, maybe it won't. I feel deeply and as much as I try not to, or to reign it in so to speak, I cannot. It took four days to shake me up. But it happened. There are times, many in fact, that I think that maybe someone somewhere is just having fun with me at my expense. Or there is some glitch in the fabric of time that has me constantly in love limbo.

_If I can make someone's day brighter, give them a reason to smile wider, than I feel I've accomplished a great goal. So at least, until I figured out that he did have someone else in his life he is waiting for, I hope I made him smile._

As much as I want to resign myself to the reality that I'm not meant for romantic love. It's hard. I'm stubborn. I know the words in my head that bring me down and I'm so very tired of listening and hearing the bullshit. I am one hell of a person, and I have many loved ones in my life that see this. I just have to be my own knight in shining armor, considering I'm no damsel, I'm not in distress and I'm bad ass. I fight my own fights, dry my own tears and pick myself up when I'm down. I have encouragement and help from friends, but ultimately, it's me that has to stand up and fight when I'm knocked down.

_This is just another little pothole in my road. I stopped at a rest stop and thought it could have been a nice oasis for a moment, but that oasis is already claimed by another so it's time to pack up and keep on moving._

_**Fin**_


End file.
